Frequently Asked Questions About Personal Black Holes

Thank-you for contacting Cosmic Capacity Corporation’s FAQ regarding our popular Personal Black Hole Product.

1. The price of your product seems astronomical. Will there be equally large maintenance fees?

As they say, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. But keep in mind, science has shown that if your PBH is not properly maintained it will disappear due to Hawking radiation.

2. Why do you only show artist’s conceptions of the PBH?

It is microscopic. That is the only way to make sure the PBH remains safe for the environment. And of course, CCC is an environmentally mindful enterprise.

3. I need the highest level of security for shredding sensitive documents. Will the PBH provide that?

There is no higher security. Once in, there is no coming out.

4. Our local landfill is filling up. Can I lease my PBH to my local municipality for garbage disposal?

You can within reason. Too much garbage input will cause uncontrolled growth of the Black Hole, and as you must understand, that would be undesirable.

5. The hardware front-in to the PBH supposedly limits the amount of feeding of the PBH I can do. Is that hardware reliable, and can it be defeated?

Any attempts to defeat it will cause a transitory swelling of the PBH, just enough to consume whatever is attempting to tamper with the device. Again, physics dictate that the swelling will be both limited and transient. Of course the device will be consumed in the process and your investment will be lost.

6. Why is there such a prolonged security review for any potential CCC customers?

CC Corp has to be satisfied that criminal elements are not purchasing our equipment for nefarious purposes, such as body and evidence disposal. While our device is obviously ideal for that purpose, we would be negligent to not screen, within the limits of the law, all potential customers.

7. If say, a government entity, were to use your device to dispose of weapons and munitions, would that process be safe?

The physically catastrophic events occurring at the event horizon make safe any material entering it. For Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) questions, please contact our military sales representative.

8. I have heard that black holes may spawn other universes. If so, are there security concerns associated with that?

Well, as they say, “Garbage in, garbage out.” But security should not be your concern. Any universe spawned by human waste or discarded items is unlikely to be suitable for life as we know it.

9. The bullet riddled body of my traitorous Uncle Harry is unlikely to become a star or something on the other side. Right?

Why do you ask? Who are you?